White Mice for Breakfast

"O mischief, thou art swift to enter in the thoughts of desperate men!"

Easy as a Piece of Cake March 9, 2010

Filed under: Savoury Delicacies — theotherhand @ 11:24 am
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This week,  I’m afraid I have been terribly:

+   =  

Yes that’s right, dear chitterlings. This week, I, along with several esteemed colleagues, have been rather preoccuPIEd. It began early last week, when, quite simultaneously, we all fell about ourselves over a Piemaker! Can you imagine our mutual chagrin when we discovered ourselves attempting to squeeze through the door of his quaint eatery ‘The Pie Hole’ at the very same time? Quelle Catastrophe! Miss Pamela, the first to have lain eyes on him, forgot all her virtue and began threatening to use her demure hair ribbon as a garotte! Geraldine, meanwhile, joined the fray by brandishing a weighty volume from her bag, suggesting a good pummeling. Not wanting to disarray the elaborate cornucopia I had balanced in my curls, I stepped back from the ruckus, and with the aid of a handy soda dispenser, quelled the warm spirits all round. Once we had all dried off, and were sat most peaceably in a booth with large malts, the following truce was agreed upon:

To LEAVE the most delectable pie-maker (who is, in any case, a work of fiction) to his travail, and revel in our own expertise by the creation of a CELEBRATORY PIE.

Ah, dear crumpetines, this is indeed Esther’s Advice to dispel strife and care on all occasions. The next time you are worn with grief and dismay, and are sitting on the floor surrounded by wrappings, sobbing and cramming cream buns into your mouth, raise yourself up, brush off that icing sugar, and shout gaudiloquently:

I WILL MAKE PIE!

If you are fortunate, and pray to St. Escoffier, your pie may even look a smidgeon like this:

(DELICIOUS FOOD DISCLAIMER: RETREAT A SAFE DISTANCE FROM KEYBOARD TO PREVENT DROOL DAMAGE. Esther Crumpet will be in no way held responsible for salivation based malfunctions.)

Delectable goats' cheese, spinach, pine nut and shallot, puff pastry PIE.

Of course, sweet readers, those will the skills of Esther Crumpet are few and far between, so YOURS may not look quite so glorious. It is of no matter, the important lesson learned is that you have CREATED a dish of which to be proud and SAVOUR, rather than weeping in a buttery mess into your empty packet of prozac.

Until next time, pikelets!

Esther xxx

 

More Popular Than Cheeses? Esther’s Cheese of the Week February 18, 2010

Filed under: Savoury Delicacies — theotherhand @ 7:29 pm
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This week:

... such thing as too much Brie... ... nom

CAMEMBERT.

That’s right, dear crumpeteers, BAKED CAMEMBERT. Not fried; not like those frozen-synthetic-greasy-cheeze-tubes-with-low-grade-redcurrant-gloop-with-incomprehensible-labels-from-Lidl… Hoooo, no, no. Jamais de la vie. But baked. Baked in an oven, profoundly aloof in its own wooden box, singular, empyreal… transcendental. Cheese in motion, quite literally.

Step back from the keyboard now. I have a picture.

Drool likelihood: HIGH.

Yes, I can read your cheese-tainted thoughts, my dear rollmops. Why adulterate such quintessence of flavour with an importunate sprig of rosemary? Is NOT the poetry of the cheese found in its subtle lightly peppered delicacy?

To this, I reply: let us not discriminate in the world of CAMEMBERT. Let us instead rejoice in its diversity, it’s potentiality. I myself recently enjoyed, nay REVELLED in a camembert of most elegant simplicity, with my acquaintance of many years, Dr. Hnoss. With reverent anticipation, we merely removed said cheese from its wrappings, sliced off the top, sprinkled it with salt and pepper and indulged, dear eaters, with some handy baguette and a bottle of nearby Cabernet.

But do not think the CAMEMBERT adventure ends here, rather to the contrary. The celebration continues, and I, your food maestro, intend to tread new paths into the baked cheese world, sampling it sprinkled with white wine, endowed with garlic cloves, crowned with cracked peppercorns…

To idiazabal and beyond!

Esther. xxx

 

Chi’s Hake February 4, 2010

Filed under: Confectionary — theotherhand @ 12:03 am
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So recently, while the world has been touting the fame of this hot new blog site to all and sundry, (why do I get an image of plastic hair bands and combs with that word?) I just happened to MENTION in passing the wit and elegance of my inaugural post to some acquaintances and admirers. Whilst they were swooning into their kir royales, my esteemed colleague Ms. Punnington observed that, as yet, said hot new blog site has only the one post.

To this I reply:

HAKE. CHI’S HAKE.

And before you ask, no, this is not a mythical Asian tale involving a wish granting, but ultimately treacherous fish. It is a post about CAKE. (Ms. Punnington, I assume you will have grasped this at the title, everyone else, think fast)

Come on… Chi ….

and   

… Haaaaake.

Put it together and what’ve you got? That right, this.

Yes, who wouldn’t wish.  No, in fact, whilst I was a-fixing my new battleship hair ornament to my powdered curls, I received a tasty surprise visit from my dear friend Pamela Vartue, who escorted me to the towering garret where several of my close comrades dwell in bookish harmony. There, I was greeted by the sparkling sight of an impromptu soirée and a marvellous CHEESECAKE. Or rather, a marvellous white chocolate and blueberry cheesecake, with meticulous Times New Roman Numbering. Observe…

Beauty to behold. And delicious I assure you! (And clever! The book-learned amongst you will know that ‘chi’ is the 22nd letter in the Greek alphabet; which surely puts the ‘chi’ in Chi’shake. I can also assure you, that although it LOOKS like a 22nd birthday cake, it is rather indicative of my success in the ’22 Crumpets in a Minute Challenge.’ To tell you my age, dear readers, would be most unseemly).

Sadly, on this occasion, my faithful crumpeteers, I will not be providing the recipe. (I may do so at some point in the future, if Ms. Punnington, the confectioner responsible for the cakey creation, so obliges.) However, as my dear Grandmama, Lady Iris Gindram frequently tells me, if you presume to ask what such a paragon of patisserie contains, you should expect the answer, “Shit and Sugar.”.

Until tea-time,

Esther. xxx

 

Apéritif January 20, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — theotherhand @ 12:34 am
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After developing a nasty habit of becoming addicted to several food blogs, I have decided to start my own; more to relieve the tension of looking at so many pictures of food, than to compete in any way with the genius of sites such as Foodporndaily, Pinch My Salt and Ezra Pound Cake. (I find this last name endlessly funny… please, bear with me)

To clarify, I love food. Perhaps a bit too much, hence the ‘desperate thoughts’ courtesy of Shakey: in my imagination, I eat the illegal foods. Like guilty online shopping, putting items in the basket with no intention of buying them, I linger wistfully in the cheese section, I have graphic fantasies about indulging in almond croissants, berry cheesecakes, chocolate berliners; I spread vivid mental feasts – goats cheese, tapenade, baguette, ciabatta, salted Normandy butter, oven roasted tomatoes and risottos full of cream and Gruyère – on imaginary Sicilian terraces…

…and get a bit overexcited.

In reality, unless I want to look like sea lion, I have to curb the deliciousness.

Welcome to the land of nom. Try not to drool on the keyboard.

Esther xxx